Dear Cabinet,
Re-Petition For RM100 Million House
Lack of foresight amongst less gifted characters than myself put me under immense pressure in the hours prior to the Malacca election to state my rejection of your agreement to provide me with the RM100 million property which I had previously petitioned for, as is my right.
People from all sides complained at the appalling ‘optics’ of handing me this super-perk at public expense whilst poor Bumiputera were suffering so badly. So loud was the furore it caused me, against my earlier inclination and better judgement, to climb down, execute a U-turn and publicly reject the offer I had requested you to make.
This, as you can see following our triumph in Malacca was totally unnecessary. We had the place sewn up. With just 38% of the votes we rampaged to a stonking majority of seats. Remember all my tightening up of the gerrymandering before you all brushed me aside?You should have had more faith in my long experience in running elections and indeed in over-turning unfavourable results!
So it looks like my Trump-like double-down approach – ‘who cares about the truth and who cares if I am crook as long as I am your crook’ – worked perfectly (assisted naturally by the full utilisation of all the instruments of state, vast financial blandishments, the Covid crackdown and the rest).
So, ye of little faith, as you grind on with trying to freeze my cases as you prepare the pardon note to brief the King, please first jump to and expedite that house.
I am myself erasing my retractions wherever they were made and will be replacing them with a return to my haughty explanations as to why I deserve a stately home as a gift from the grateful nation.
Whilst we are on this housing matter, I further note that you are being far too tardy in arranging for a return to Sungai Buloh of all those who seek to oppose our mafia party organisation. We need to organise another complaint against Anwar (get Shaffee on to managing that) and those racially crafted claims against DAP leaders as evil money grubbers must be speeded also. They must be out of the way before the next election.
Just make sure that the special five star luxury suite that had been prepared to accommodate me is not diverted to any of them.
So, stick to my instructions and my advice and you can expect a Malacca result for GE15. I am of course perfectly placed (as Ismail acknowledges) to advise on how to funnel his present bloated budget into our party and personal pockets for that next challenge – you have seen my playbook in full detail in the FBI and London court filings, culminating in the successful outcome of 2013.
GE14 was a bit of a botch up and we can’t always get it right, but (as I assured anyone who would listen at the time) with our deep pockets brimming with plundered wealth there is always the Perak solution to which we can turn on such occasions. Remember, only I have held steadfast and never wavered…. except yesterday over that damned house.
It is entirely my right. I fixed the precedent when I had to sweeten old Badawi after I kicked him out. He was said to be hanging on to a stack of evidence regarding a certain unfortunate murder conducted by my own guards as well as my involvement in the cover-ups. So, he needed appeasing and what a lovely grand mansion he has obtained.
Annoying, but having set up the system at least I knew I would be next and I see no reason whatsoever why this privilege doesn’t belong to me so that I can accommodate my elegant spouse in the surroundings she believes she is entitled to at public expense.
Please arrange this immediately together with a suitable public statement and apology to myself.
Regards Najib Razak @iaminnocentguvner
[for the benefit of the litigious and impressionable the above is a spoof, but who would be surprised if it is exactly what he does?]